Tuesday, December 12, 2006
against the raging winds
with shifting shadows
and outstretched hands
here, take mine;
feet in the rain.
to thank God for everything and nothing at all.
if i could and i would
i'll go wherever you will go.
glittered
11:15 PM
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_____________________________[breath- ofmysoul.]______
Thursday, November 16, 2006
God grant me grace to forgive, especially my cell.
God keep me alive.
God the estranged being spelt Dog backwards.
glittered
12:03 AM
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_____________________________[breath- ofmysoul.]______
Sunday, October 22, 2006
i am furious with my cell.
but that's also where forgiveness and grace comes in.
that in this world Man has rejected me
judged me for who I am, and for who I am not.
that when I grief I would want someone there as well.
don't do this, please.
glittered
6:15 PM
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_____________________________[breath- ofmysoul.]______
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
dare you to move.
i looked through my parents' old photos, where they were surrounded by company, by friends, by loved ones. with carefree smiles on their faces. and i cried. i cried for their sacrifice, for their love, for their courage to live their lives for others. i cried looking through my old photos and thinking of my childhood days; of the things i never told the people i really loved and how our paths parted. i cried thinking of how much some people loved me, and how i would never be able to reciprocate that. i cried because sometimes life can be so inevitable and so cruel. of the boys in potosi chewing cocoa leaves a thousand miles underground. i cry because i don't know how to get myself out, don't know if i want to be out. because others have forsaken me for they don't care enough or don't know how to respond. because i cannot bring myself to trust anyone else.
welcome to the fallout.
a friend is two souls in different bodies. think about it. it's true. for love is always patient and kind. It does not envy; it does not boast; it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
like today never happened before.
i wish i were a million personailities and none at all; a universe of faces and galaxy of none. i wish hadnt pegged expectations onto my friendships, or given encouragement to others that's beyond my understanding. i wish you would have gotten to know me in a very different light, or perhaps not at all. for i truly know who i am, even though i ask for the courage to accept the parts of me that floated away, and the courage to face patchworks of myself that are wicked and dark. and i ask that you accept me and love me for who i am.
081006
i am alone
and this is how it ends.
"i'll never be happy until i kill myself."
i agree.
glittered
10:06 PM
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_____________________________[breath- ofmysoul.]______
Saturday, September 16, 2006
200906
i hide so no one would see
that i died crying in my dreams.
i am tired.
how do i live?
i'm taking one step at a time.
please forgive me.
#
i feel like an alcoholic/crack addict. and cell is like an AA group, where you turn up every week. i live not with a purpose, but by the number of days i am alive, by the number of church meetings i turn up for. unlike an alcoholic, i don't have a 90 day wall to break; i don't ever know when i'll have to stop this whole counting business.
i am fatigued, am not in the mood to write properly. 2 girls who turned up at church on the same day, for the first time but turned out like yin & yang; one completely wasted and ruined, the other strong and inspirational. how could this happen? i think, when i backslided, god i hate that word, i lost myself, my strength and my soul along with my faith.
;
ted hughes is a mouldy bastard through and through.
glittered
10:49 AM
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_____________________________[breath- ofmysoul.]______
Wednesday, September 06, 2006
#
don't even try.
while i've been doing this all this while i never actually realise how bad it feels to be the unwanted one; to be chosen last; to be left out.
inside out
outside in
to see the scarlet chamber
caved in
i just read c___'s testimony, which was cool. i'm trying really, freaking hard, trust me. actually i don't know. talk about contradictions. stop it, do you hear? apparently not.
i am THIS close to 1) losing control 2) stop going to church 3) blow up in front of people 4) revert back to my old ways, out of which i think the 3rd is most likely going to happen soon. i feel so terribly damned and wretched. i changed my mind, the worst thing that could make you sour and bitter is the realization that you've fallen out of God's grace. c'mon. grace who?
glittered
4:44 PM
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_____________________________[breath- ofmysoul.]______
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
#
it is on days like this that i feel so terribly alone. it's a solitude that is beautiful and yet makes your heart grow cold. that all you want to do is curl up and cry yourself to sleep.
the saddest reality, isn't of hate, really. it is of indifference; of broken friendships; of trust gone stale. and i pray that you'll never have to experience that. and someday, i pray for enough courage to accept what i cannot change, and to change what i can.
爱深埋珊瑚海
毁坏的沙碉如何重来 有裂痕的爱怎么重盖
只是一切 结束太快 你说你无法释怀
piano;
like fingers on a colourless chase for romance
like fingers making love to each other in a teasing fleet
the insatiable craving for human contact
yet the desire for none.
kbox was good =) thank you.
would i be too foolish to hope;
glittered
12:34 AM
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_____________________________[breath- ofmysoul.]______
